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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23915110">the air is getting so thin</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentleimplosion/pseuds/gentleimplosion'>gentleimplosion</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>honey whiskey [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman, NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - His Dark Materials Fusion, Angst, Character Study, Depression, Discrimination, Fluid Sexuality, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Polyamory, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, When I Say Slow Burn I Mean SLOW</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:07:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23915110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentleimplosion/pseuds/gentleimplosion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His fingers tighten around the whiskey glass because even though Jaehyun doesn’t seem bothered that Doyoung is severed, that must just make him the worst of the three kinds of people Doyoung has categorized the world into since the <i>incident</i>: fetishizer. </p><p>Wherein Doyoung's damaged goods and Jaehyun's a pit that good things fall into and somehow they make it work.</p><p>Dæmons/University fusion AU</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Lee Taeyong/Moon Taeil, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>honey whiskey [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791889</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. is the devil so bad if he cries in his sleep, while the earth turns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>really wanted to do an nct dæmons au and i have an unhealthy obsession with jaedo angst so here we are! my first fic in the fandom! not too sure where this is going or if i'm going to be able to finish it :D i'm playing fast and loose with the mechanics of the universe and how dæmons work, but tl;dr in this fic humans and dæmons are inseparable to a large degree; incision may occur due to both accidental and intentional violence, such as blunt trauma upon the bond between human and dæmon. the process is extremely painful, and most who survive it either die soon after or end up crippled in some way for life. incised humans are social pariahs, viewed as unnatural and unlucky, but don't worry doyoung will not be too mistreated!</p><p>also note: at this point in time it seems this fic is much more focused on character development and world-building than actual plot so if u're here for plot i'm sorry</p><p>anyway, if you know me irl, pls pretend you do not see it (or look respectfully, idk)</p><p>follow me on twitter @aurorachaang</p><p> </p><p>fic title taken from honey whiskey by nothing but thieves</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rB3GPb-ylVI">▶ Devil Like Me by Rainbow Kitten Surprise</a>
</p><p> </p><p>The bar Ten leads him to is seedy and crowded even on a Wednesday night, air thick with the smell of stale cigarettes, fruity vapour, and sweat. Lighting is dim, drenching the throng of people and dæmons lingering around the counter in an amber-golden colour, and there’s a kind of excited buzz running through the cramped space. Doyoung hates it, and wishes fervently that he had the choice to wait outside with Anselm, or maybe that Anselm, devil that she is, could have at least not left him alone with Ten. The other is currently trying to push his way toward the bartender, Amarantha a bright blue coil around his neck. Doyoung has wished more than once that she could choke Ten just a little bit when the Thai man tries to coerce Doyoung out of their room, and every time he does so, Anselm will do that little annoyed huff of hers that guilts Doyoung into actually following.</p><p>Except Anselm always slips away the moment they actually go into whatever bar or club that Ten brings them to, and hops back later to his side when he inevitably leaves early, guilty but smug.</p><p>Doyoung sighs, thinking that at least Anselm’s absence means that people generally give him a wide berth when he’s in public. The same can be said for this bar, though the already limited space means Doyoung is still uncomfortably surrounded by university students either drunkenly flirting with each other or well on their way to passing out. He narrowly dodges a short girl and her lemur dæmon who bewilderingly seem to be trying to start a mosh pit in the crowded bar. A painful throb begins in his temples, and he takes a few deep breaths before deciding to join Ten at the bartender’s. A drink or two would take the edge off, and it’s not like Anselm will be too affected to get him home. It doesn’t take much effort to find the other at the front of the messy queue, because Ten and Amarantha together are an attention-attracting force to be reckoned with and Doyoung, who draws a different kind of attention, simply has to walk through a crowd that parts naturally for the both of them.</p><p>“Doyoung!” Ten seizes Doyoung’s wrist and drags him forward to the counter, disregarding the looks of disbelief that others are shooting him. “You should try the cocktails here, they’re really good,” the shorter man says cheerfully, but adds in an undertone: “Don’t worry about them. I’m friends with one of the bartenders here in case anything… ” he trails off.</p><p>Doyoung supposes he should be grateful that his flatmate is sociable, well-connected, and unfathomably friendly to him despite Doyoung and Anselm’s severed state. Most people he knew from his late teenage years hadn’t given him the same courtesy. Most people he knew from home barely consider him human anymore.</p><p>This is why Doyoung puts up with Ten’s whims, and he manages a small smile at the other before turning to the bartender. The bartender flashes Doyoung a smirk that leaves him feeling annoyingly flustered.</p><p>“Hey sexy, what can I get you?” The attention crawls uncomfortably beneath Doyoung’s skin, and he feels inexplicably attacked despite the bartender’s flirtatious tone. He supposes the other hasn’t noticed the lack of a dæmon at his side. Doyoung grits his teeth and meets the other man’s gaze. Something must register in the bartender, because he makes a soft ‘oh’ sound and this is it, Doyoung braces himself for the look of disgust and subsequent refusal of service.</p><p>It doesn’t come.</p><p>Instead, the bartender grins even wider than before. “I’ve never met one of you before,” the man drawls, terribly, <em>infuriatingly</em> amused. He feels Ten bristle at his side, clearly ready to defend Doyoung. “First drink’s on the house, bunny.” Doyoung can’t hide his astonishment quick enough and doesn’t muster up the anger to react to the ‘one of you’, and the bartender notices.</p><p>Ten recovers his composure, and flashes the bartender a smile. “I’m here with the bunny,” he waggles his eyes at Doyoung conspiratorially, and continues: “I expect a free drink for that.” He dodges Doyoung’s half-hearted punch. “I’ll take a margherita, and Doyoung here wants a whiskey on the rocks.”</p><p>Doyoung sulkily waits as Ten and the bartender, who introduces himself as Jaehyun, begin to flirt easily while the latter prepares their drinks with practiced grace. A strange fox-like dæmon - though with the longest legs that Doyoung has ever seen on a fox - leaps onto the counter daintily and eyes Amarantha with interest. Upon closer inspection, Doyoung notices uncomfortably that the man behind the counter is slightly taller than him, with messy chestnut hair and stupidly pretty eyes. Which are now crinkled in amusement at Ten introducing Amarantha. He’s clearly charmed, but it’s hard not to be with Ten, as Doyoung had learned a long time ago. He tunes out and waits for his drink, leaning against the bar and wishing to get this over with and hopefully be tipsy enough to forget the whole interaction with Jaehyun.</p><p>Except Jaehyun is staring at him right now in a way that makes Doyoung think no amount of whiskey could erase the intensity of those eyes from his mind. The bartender sets down their drinks, and Ten gathers Amarantha back onto his neck before turning to Doyoung and whispering: “I’d stay but he’s clearly more into <em>you</em>,” and disappearing into the crowd. Doyoung doesn’t have time to parse Ten’s meaning because Jaehyun and his dæmon have both focused their attention on him, seemingly unbothered by the growing queue behind.</p><p>“So,” the syllable is soft against those dark pink lips and makes Doyoung shiver. “Doyoung. Where’s your dæmon?”</p><p>“That’s none of your business.” Doyoung snaps back, ready this time. His fingers tighten around the whiskey glass, because even though Jaehyun doesn’t seem bothered that Doyoung is severed, that must just make him the worst of the three kinds of people Doyoung has categorized the world into since the <em>incident</em>: fetishizer.</p><p>Jaehyun and his dæmon remain unfazed. “It isn’t, that’s true. But seeing as you’re here and I’m here, we might as well make a conversation out of it, don’t you think?”</p><p>“No, I don’t think.” Grabbing his whiskey, Doyoung considers hightailing it but something makes him stop, down the drink without breaking eye contact with Jaehyun, slam the glass back onto the counter, and then storm away.</p><p>His heart is thudding painfully in his chest in a way that makes him want to drink more, but he’s not going back to Jaehyun and his stupid staring dæmon, and Ten seems to have been lost to the crowd, as usual. Skulking in a shadowy corner of the bar for a while, Doyoung deliberates his choices until Ten’s familiar loud laugh draws his attention back to the counter, where Ten’s bartender friend had taken over the new shift. He goes to Ten, who already seems to be drunk, cheeks rosy and eyes glossy. Doyoung orders five shots from the tall new bartender while Ten chatters next to him - either to Doyoung or to the bartender he calls Johnny, Doyoung can’t really tell. Johnny has a handsome face and kind smile that doesn’t falter even when his eyes widen at Doyoung’s expense.</p><p>“Ten, is this - ?”</p><p>Ten doesn’t seem able to answer because he’s joined the short girl with the lemur dæmon in the growing throng of people dancing and sliding against each other. “I’m Doyoung. I assume Ten’s told me about you.”</p><p>“Don’t you mean - ” Catching Doyoung’s expression, Johnny doesn’t finish his sentence and instead nods and grins. “I’m Johnny! I’d love to talk to you more but - ” he gestures to the crowd. It’s all mildly confusing, because Johnny’s smile seems so <em>genuine</em>, and in a way that doesn’t make Doyoung’s skin crawl like when Jaehyun smiled at him. He surmises that the whiskey he’d downed in one shot must be contributing to his perceived friendliness of the surroundings. As Johnny turns to take more orders, Doyoung finishes off his shots, doing the bare minimum of pacing himself.</p><p>It’s starting to get warmer in the bar.</p><p>When he’s done he gets up, legs only slightly wobbly, and makes his way to the door, desperate for fresh air. Anselm is perched on a dumpster lid waiting, and she twitches her little nose in disapproval as Doyoung leans hard next to her, supporting himself on the cold metal.</p><p>“You always have to choose the backdoor,” Doyoung mumbles, words slurring. It’s not a question.</p><p>“I’d like to see you rescue me from the next asshole that tries to grab me because I decided to parade myself out front like an idiot,” Anselm says, but her tone is soft. She’s the only one who can get away with making harsh words sound like that, Doyoung thinks, but it’s hard to focus on what exactly his little hare is saying.</p><p>Doyoung grunts, “T’many words,” and feels Anselm’s whisker’s tickling his face. Nice feeling.</p><p>“Doie - ” her tone is warning, and Doyoung, whose eyelids were beginning to droop, tries to straighten himself up and notices hazily that there’s a stranger coming out of the backdoor. No, not a stranger, not technically. It’s Jaehyun, who of course notices them and comes over.</p><p>“Doyoung?”</p><p>At least his sleazy grin is absent.</p><p>“You have the greasiest fucking smile in the whole world, you know that?” Doyoung says, but it comes out more like “Y’ve greasy-st fuck’n smile th’orld, y’know.”</p><p>Jaehyun laughs, and it’s irritating. “I do, do I?” The man notices Anselm nudging Doyoung, and his eyes widen. “This must be -?” Anselm’s whiskers quiver, but she doesn’t back down from Jaehyun or his weird dæmon’s stare. “Tha’s my brave girl.” Doyoung manages, attempting to stroke Anselm between the ears the way she likes it but instead loses balance and falls to the ground, wincing as his palms hit the cement.</p><p>Anselm groans loud enough for Jaehyun and his dumb fox dæmon to hear.</p><p>Jaehyun turns to her and, bowing his head, says: “It’s only been an hour since I last saw him. He must have had quite a bit to drink.” He looks quizzically down at Doyoung. “I guess it’s different for you guys? Cas is usually just as drunk as me when I’m the way Doyoung is now.”</p><p>Anselm, the traitor, doesn’t even twitch when she replies to the fucking <em>stranger</em> -</p><p>The faces above him, dark against the blinding glare of the street lights, are blurring. Black spots flicker around his vision, and he feels himself being lifted up into warm arms. There’s a slight dip against his chest when Anselm hops onto him, and then they’re both carried away, away, into the night.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>He’s fourteen again, hot summer air brushing against his cheeks and Anselm, who is on the cusp of choosing a permanent form, rests as a hare on Doyoung’s chest, solid and warm. She’s taking her time with choosing, far longer than the other boys’ dæmons from school, but Doyoung wouldn’t want it any other way. They’re tentative and indecisive by nature, and it’s a trait that’s always been reflected in the way Anselm flits between shapes every few hours or so, methodologically testing out each form. Lately though, she’s been happy between being a hare, a nightingale, and a sleek black fox. He hopes that she settles as a nightingale.</p><p>The riverbank they’re resting on is blanketed in grass and tall reeds, and smells of damp soil and honeysuckle. Doyoung likes coming here after school because it feels like the only place in the world that’s quiet and alone, and both he and Anselm relish that feeling. Sometimes he falls asleep among the reeds, basking in the sun. Sometimes he sings, and Anselm listens. Today is not a singing day; the sun beats down just a bit too much for comfort, and Doyoung is considering leaving for home earlier today when his stomach suddenly drops and he’s overcome by a wave of nausea. The wind blows, rustling the reeds while the sound of the river in the background carries on and the sun is bright the air is warm the smells are rich the colours are bold but the world, it must be ending, because suddenly Anselm is not by his side anymore.</p><p>He looks up, dimly registering the same look of horror and fear on Anselm’s face because, inexplicably, she’s being held at the scruff by a stranger with blonde hair and dark eyes. Her eyes widen and her nose twitches uncontrollably as the stranger looks down on Doyoung with the most terrible smile he’s ever seen before, and oh, Doyoung aches, longs to grab Anselm back into his arms and carry her far far away from here, but somehow they are both paralyzed, too shocked to move.</p><p>Everything that happens next is a blur, and everything else that happens after that doesn’t matter.</p><p>Doyoung comes to in a sterile white room with Anselm by his side, but she’s trembling uncontrollably and the world is wrong. There’s a deep ache burning in him, and he knows Anselm must feel the same; they’re <em>severed</em>, torn apart forever, and he barely even registers as the gentle doctor explains to him the aftereffects of intercision and how Doyoung could still continue to live with Anselm relatively normally. He doesn’t notice that the nurses tending to him avoid his eye and especially avoid looking in Anselm’s general direction. Or the way that his parents, pale and furious and tight-lipped, bring them home without attempting even to tell him what exactly happened.</p><p>It was a freak accident, they later told Doyoung.</p><p>Fourteen year old Doyoung learns the harshest lesson about injustice, and life moves on. He spends most of his time drifting in and out of focus at school, trying to ignore the stares and whispers. It hurts when his friends turn him away, but he can’t blame them. It hurts even more when his father leaves, but Doyoung is so used to severance that it barely stings, because the day Anselm was torn apart from him, he was torn apart from the world, left alone to drift in space.</p><p>Life moves on.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Something soft and moist is tickling his neck, and Doyoung wakes up in a sweat, head pounding and eyes squinting at the slants of bright light streaming through the blinds. That can’t be right, he’s always careful to shut the blinds completely, which means -</p><p>“Took you long enough, Doie,” Anselm’s tone is decidedly unimpressed, and she hops onto Doyoung’s nightstand to gaze down at him.</p><p>Memories, jumbled and faded, surface in Doyoung’s mind.</p><p>“Ugh, fuck,” He groans, and then fumbles around his nightstand trying to grab painkillers. Downing two of them at once, he finally sits up properly against his pillow, and avoids Anselm’s judgemental stare.</p><p>“Doie - ”</p><p>“No, I don’t want to talk about it, and no, you don’t get to judge me because you’re the one who <em>left me in there with Ten</em>.”</p><p>Anselm sniffs at Doyoung’s tone. “You were supposed to have fun, not get hammered on a Wednesday night.” She pauses, and then continues. “If it weren’t for that bartender, I never would have been able to get you home, and besides, it’s not my fault you always leave before Ten does.”</p><p>That bartender.</p><p>
  <em>That bartender.</em>
</p><p>Doyoung groans. “Jaehyun carried me home?”</p><p>At this, Anselm twitches her whiskers in interest. “Jaehyun? And pray tell how you know the sexy bartender’s name?”</p><p>“He’s not sexy.” Doyoung mumbles.</p><p>“He is, and you know he is, but that doesn’t answer why you know his name. I know for a fact that Ten’s bartender friend is Johnny, so there’s no reason why you should know Jaehyun,” Anselm begins, and Doyoung wants to wring her neck, but something catches his attention.</p><p>“How do you know about Johnny when I didn’t?”</p><p>“Honey, just because you don’t pay attention to Ten doesn’t mean that I have to be an insufferable self-absorbed bitch as well.”</p><p>“Selma,” Doyoung can’t keep the whine out of his voice. “You’re my dæmon, you’re not allowed to talk to me like that.” It’s a routine they’ve settled into, this fond bickering, and it’s perhaps the softest side of Doyoung that will never see the light of day.</p><p>Anselm sniffs, and Doyoung tries to grin but the thought of Jaehyun assaults him again and his head throbs. “What time is it?”</p><p>“Just past noon.” Anselm replies, tapping on Doyoung’s phone.</p><p>“Just past - oh goddamn it,” Doyoung stumbles out of bed and starts getting ready for a lecture he will probably still be late for. “Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?”</p><p>Anselm shrugs, or as close to shrugging as a hare can get.</p><p>Insufferable rodent. One thing about being severed from his dæmon was that Doyoung and Anselm’s relationship had changed perceptibly over the years since the incident. Anselm now is more a friend who understands Doyoung incredibly well than a mirror image of his soul, and has autonomy from him in a way that most dæmons don’t, which is refreshing sometimes but annoying at others. Like now.</p><p>Grabbing his things, Doyoung rushes out through the living room with Anselm at his heels. Ten and Amarantha don’t seem to be in the flat, which means he must have gotten laid again last night. Anselm’s already out the door when Doyoung, as an afterthought, races back to his room and shuts the blinds properly, stubbornly trying not to think about the bartender laying him down on his bed and attempting, though unsatisfactorily, to draw the blinds.</p><p>He won’t go back to the bar.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. you force your fire then you falsify your deeds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6qCnRe3KDw"> ▶  DLZ by TV On The Radio </a>
</p><p> </p><p>“Jaehyun, we need to talk.” </p><p>Nobody’s ever began a conversation like that and ended it well, Jaehyun thinks, glancing at his girlfriend absently. Yeri looks upset, though he can’t begin to fathom why. It feels like she’s always upset these days. They’re sitting in a cafe near SMU, a popular haunt for stressed out university students feverishly trying to finish last minute work before lectures while their equally stressed out dæmons watch on. The aroma of coffee in the air is pleasing, and he stands to grab himself and Yeri something to drink.</p><p>Yeri stops him. “Don’t fucking ignore me. I said we need to talk.” Her dæmon looks at Jaehyun with a positively reproachful look.</p><p>“We can talk,” he replies, “but I want a coff-”</p><p>“I doubt we’ll be staying here long enough for you to need one,” she cuts him off, tone cold. Jaehyun frowns and searches her face for a clue, something, anything to get himself out of what’s probably going to be a painful and awkward breakup. It’s not the first time this has happened, and not even the first time that it’s started with a ‘Jaehyun, we need to talk’.</p><p>Still, it doesn’t get any easier.</p><p>“I don’t believe this,” Yeri scoffs, and she sounds truly disgusted. “You’re not paying attention, even now.” Her dæmon, a sleek white ermine, is looking at Casimir with reproachful eyes.</p><p>“Okay, look, I’m sorry for whatever I did - ”</p><p>“Jaehyun,” she cuts him off. “It’s not about what you did, it’s about what you didn’t do. You’re never around, and even when you are, it’s like your mind is somewhere else, and when you look at me - ” her voice catches, “ - it’s like you’re not seeing me, but some girl who’s just - one in a long line of exes, like an outline of what a girlfriend is, like <em> I’m </em>a prop.” </p><p>Jaehyun looks at Yeri, contemplating what she’s saying. She’s not wrong - he doesn’t ever worry too much about his girlfriends thinking he’s not good enough, because he won’t be, and they all start realizing sooner or later. But there’s always going to be another girl, or another boy, and none of it matters, because Jaehyun is a pit that good things fall into; nobody has the will to change that.</p><p>“You saw this coming, didn’t you,” Yeri says, and though there’s a tremble in her voice, when Jaehyun looks at her face it’s steely and tearless, and it reminds him of how he fell for her in the first place.</p><p>“Can’t say I’m very surprised, yeah,” Jaehyun has to admit. Somewhere deep inside him there’s a pang of guilt and regret, feelings he’s not used to experiencing, but it must show on his face, because Yeri’s expression softens.</p><p>“We had our good times though, didn’t we,” his voice is low, and he thinks about the first few months when they started dating. The memories are hazy but golden, sunshine on tanned skin and white sheets, the thrill of knowing each other’s bodies for the first time - Yeri is somebody he’s come to like very much, Jaehyun realizes, but enough time has passed that he’s started going through the motions of falling out of love instinctually. </p><p>Yeri sighs, breaking him out of his reverie. </p><p>“We did.” </p><p>“So this is it then?” he gives her a half smile.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess so,” she hesitates, and then continues.  “You know… I don’t think that you’re really as hollow as you try to seem. Somewhere inside you there has to be something, and it could be beautiful for the right person. But I don’t have the time and patience to be that person.” Yeri gets up with her dæmon resting on her shoulders, shoots Casimir a sad smile, and leaves. Jaehyun and Casimir both look at the retreating pair for a while, silent.</p><p>Casimir leaps onto Yeri’s now empty seat, and looks pointedly at Jaehyun.</p><p>“Well, that went well,” the dæmon says.  </p><p>The whole thing was unceremonious and tearless, but Yeri’s departure, and specifically her last words, leave Jaehyun with a bad taste in his mouth.</p><p>“I liked her, she was much better than the others,” Casimir continues.</p><p>Jaehyun snorts. “She was, but it was bound to end anyway. Besides, you don’t even like her dæmon - ”</p><p>“Philomel.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>Casimir rolls his eyes at Jaehyun. “I didn’t dislike Philomel; he was nice, just distant. You know that our relationship reflects the one between you and Yeri, and you were <em> not great </em> to her. You’re going to start running out of people to ruin through sheer carelessness, Jae, and maybe then you’ll come to your senses and realize, oh, hey, turns out having somebody who loves you isn’t the worst thing in the world after all.”</p><p>“You’re a romantic Cas, how is that even possible when I’m not one?” Jaehyun says to his dæmon. Casimir huffs. “Whatever, Jae. Get your coffee, you might as well get some work done here.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Yeri’s departure from his life should feel like the end of a chapter, but she’s little more than a footnote in the grand scheme of things. Between bartending and attending classes and sporadically dating, Jaehyun finds himself settling into a routine, and the monotony of it all frightens him.</p><p>(“You can’t keep running away from living, Jae,” Casimir always says.)</p><p>Jaehyun knows he’s not a brave person in the absolute sense of the word, but he also thinks it’s more due to apathy than anything else. Days blended into weeks into years, and sameness was the only thing that kept people functioning. He hated the idea as a teenager, and now it’s hard not to relish in the freedom that comes with living alone, and take, <em> take </em>as much from life as it’s willing to give (and sometimes more than that).</p><p>Take, take, take. Because without it, Jaehyun knows he’ll be better off dead.</p><p>The crowds in Bar U are always the same, even when they aren’t. Jaehyun wouldn’t be able to work there without the constant supply of free booze readily available to the bartenders, and he’s gotten better at concealing how much he’s actually drinking when Johnny’s around. Amber glaze, smoky smiles, sticky floors, and the faint scent of vomit at the end of night - it’s the same dance every shift he works. And Jaehyun will smile of course, and flirt, and take orders and mix out drinks like he’d rather do nothing else in the world; and he will take desperate gulps when his back is turned, and bite back scathing remarks, and wait for the stupor to set in and glaze over his eyes and numb the pain.</p><p>Jaehyun is in this hazy state when the boy without a dæmon stumbles - or rather, stalks angrily - into his life. There is nothing remarkable about their interaction, because Doyoung is as prickly and defensive as his demeanour suggests, but he’s different, and that’s all that matters. When Jaehyun first addresses him, the other stiffens and straightens up, eyes alert and mouth scowling, and oh, he looks just a bit like a bunny, doesn’t he? </p><p>Predictably, he doesn’t answer about his dæmon.</p><p>Predictably, he gets drunk alone.</p><p>Unpredictably, his dæmon is charming and fascinating in the hour that they interact. Doyoung isn’t as light as he looks, but Jaehyun knows his own strength and insists on carrying the man home, which turns out to be a room in one of the dingier student halls. The other’s dæmon lets Jaehyun handle Doyoung without complaint, and afterwards, Casimir tells Jaehyun that he’d love to get to know the hare better.</p><p>Jaehyun doesn’t catch the dæmon’s name, just as she doesn’t catch his, but the boy with the severed dæmon is added to the collection of things that Jaehyun wants.</p><p>God, he <em> wants.</em></p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>SMU is renowned for being big, populous, and with a student body as diverse as the city it’s nestled in. It’s big enough that Jaehyun has yet to meet any of the people he attended tutorials with last year. It’s big enough that he could viably complete his education without ever seeing Yeri again. Which means it’s also quite possible that he’ll never see Doyoung again.</p><p>“You could ask Johnny, he’s friends with Doyoung’s roommate,” Casimir suggests. </p><p>“I could,” Jaehyun admits, “but where’s the fun in that?”</p><p>Last term had ended without any more sightings of Doyoung at Bar U. Nor does he seem to frequent  café 127. Jaehyun has seen Doyoung’s short and pretty friend at both student haunts, but he doesn’t bother reaching out. </p><p>“His name is Ten, by the way,” Casimir supplies.</p><p>“Gossiping is rude, Cas.”</p><p>At this, Casimir snorts. “You’re such a hypocrite sometimes, Jae, it’s a wonder nobody’s stabbed you in the back yet. Metaphorically <em> and </em> literally.”</p><p>Life continues like clockwork, the tick-tick-ticking-ness a nightmare in Jaehyun’s mind because there’s a deep itch in him, a desire to feel <em> something. </em>Doyoung won’t sate that itch (nothing will, in the end), but he’ll make it better for now, surely. Doyoung is good looking enough, with long graceful limbs and flawless pale skin and lovely lips, but it’s the eyes that get Jaehyun - they’re dark and unfathomable, yet something about them suggests a soul open to passion and lust and intimacy, and the duality is intriguing. That, and Doyoung genuinely looks like a rabbit. He’d almost burst out laughing when he saw that Doyoung’s dæmon was a hare, because after all, hares were just tough ugly rabbits.</p><p>Jaehyun wonders if, perhaps, there were some things he just wasn’t meant to have; the idea is sobering, but only makes him want to see the boy with the severed dæmon again. He doesn’t stop looking, and sometimes in public he catches a glimpse of dark hair and red lips out of the corner of his eye and can’t stop himself from whipping around, hoping - </p><p>In the end, Doyoung appears right where Jaehyun has never bothered to look.</p><p>They’re three weeks into the beginning of a new term, and it’s the first time Jaehyun has deigned to attend his compulsory history tutorial, courtesy of Casimir nagging and guilt tripping him enough to will the both of them out of bed. Jaehyun doesn’t remember why he chose history as a major; it’s a subject he had fleeting passion for during his short-lived childhood, but he’s never shown any particular interest in it afterwards. The tutorial is for a module that, in addition to being on a Friday morning at 9, is also the most boring compulsory class that Jaehyun has had the misfortune of taking.</p><p>He has no doubt that he’ll spend most of the tutorial listening and trying not to fall asleep.</p><p>Except Doyoung walks in with his hare in tow, eyes gleaming and a small smile on his lips, sweeping his hair out of his face, and it feels like something shifts in place and forces the world around Jaehyun into a cleaner, brighter state. </p><p>Doyoung notices him immediately - it’s a small tutorial group, made smaller by the absence of more than half the members, and since it’s Jaehyun’s first time appearing since the beginning of term, all attention is on him. Their eyes meet, and Jaehyun can’t help grinning at the scowl on the other’s face. Doyoung looks like he wants to say something, but the tutorial leader comes in and he turns around.</p><p>“You must be Jung Jaehyun,” the frazzled professor says, “I assume you have reason for missing the previous tutorials?”</p><p>“Oh yes, I’ve actually e-mailed the dean about it, sir,” Jaehyun lies easily and smoothly, winking at Doyoung at the same time. </p><p>“Mmm, alright. Yes, well, I guess since we’re a small group here, a brief round of introductions for Mr. Jung’s benefit will do...” </p><p>When it’s Doyoung’s turn, Jaehyun notices that his coursemates avoid looking at him, with the exception of a short man with firetruck-red hair and kind eyes whose golden eagle dæmon is perched on his shoulder. There’s something off about the other, who introduces himself as Moon Taeil, but Jaehyun is too distracted by Doyoung to think hard about it. He’ll ask Casimir later.</p><p>“I’m Kim Doyoung, and this is Anselm,” he gestures at the dæmon. “I’m a Political Science major - ”</p><p>“Right, well,” the professor cuts off, and Jaehyun doesn’t miss the brief flash of hurt in Doyoung’s eyes. “That should be enough. Mr. Jung?”</p><p>“Jung Jaehyun, history major,” Jaehyun makes sure that his tone strikes the right balance between lazy and condescending. “This is Casimir,” he all but drawls, “He’s a maned wolf.” Doyoung’s hare perks up a bit at Casimir’s name. Interesting.</p><p>The rest of the tutorial is uninteresting though, as expected. Jaehyun pegs the professor, who doesn’t seem keen on calling on Doyoung even though he’s easily the most attentive and participative person in class, to be absent-minded and rather easy to patronize. An easy pass then, hopefully. The only thing notable about the class is that Doyoung and Moon Taeil have surprisingly good rapport when answering questions together. Absently, Jaehyun notices that Doyoung has a habit of stroking Anselm’s back when he’s particularly worked up over something - and to be fair, he has good reason to be angry all the time. </p><p>Because that’s what it is, really, and Jaehyun can recognize it far better now during the day when neither of them are tipsy: anger, simmering beneath the surface of his skin, behind the practiced coolness in his eyes. The professor cuts Doyoung short even when his answers are correct, and the rest of the tutorial group either ignore him or shoot him looks ranging between quizzical and disgusted. Jaehyun doesn’t care about many things enough to think too hard about them, but Doyoung is different. He’s careful to not miss the next few tutorials they have together, and looks out for the boy with the hare during their shared lectures. </p><p>They still haven’t talked, outside of perfunctory answers during tutorials - Doyoung is exceptionally skilled at throwing Jaehyun off immediately after class - but it almost doesn’t matter, because Doyoung <em> in </em>class and in his element is a tour de force. He’s quick-witted and almost always impeccably logical in his arguments, leaving no space for anybody present to refute him, and though he speaks calmly and cooly, Jaehyun can hear the strain in his voice sometimes, a hint of restrained passion for the subject.</p><p>
  <em>What are you afraid of letting go?</em>
</p><p>It’s the question burning in his eyes every time he sees Doyoung, no doubt, and Casimir notices enough to tell him to tone it down, but god, it’s been a while since Jaehyun has <em> felt </em>so much, to the point of being dangerous.</p><p>Following all the correct steps and still arriving at the wrong answer is an art form, and Jaehyun has perfected it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. i’ll wait, so show me why you’re strong</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>since the names might start getting a bit confusing from this point onwards, here's a helpful lil guide:</p>
<p>- doyoung ⇢ anselm (female hare)<br/>- jaehyun ⇢ casimir (male maned wolf)<br/>- ten ⇢ amarantha (female blue malaysian coral snake)<br/>- taeil ⇢ stavra (female golden eagle)<br/>- taeyong ⇢ lethe (female ocelot)<br/>- yuta ⇢ themis (female gyrfalcon)</p>
<p>i have a lot of headcanons about how dæmons work in this universe that are semi-ripped off from his dark materials! so a tidbit i will add here is that generally, your dæmon's sex ends up being the opposite to your own, which is why jaehyun and casimir's situation is a bit unusual.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p6PcFFUm5I">
    <span>▶  </span>
    <span>Retrograde by James Blake</span>
  </a>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung hates Jung Jaehyun and his smug dæmon. He hates that they’re in the same history tutorial, and he hates that the bartender is not a complete idiot for all that he may appear to be one. No, Jung Jaehyun is </span>
  <em>
    <span>dangerous,</span>
  </em>
  <span> with a sly smile and eyes that always fill with mirth when Doyoung argues in class, his gaze never leaving Doyoung except to occasionally exchange glances with his long-legged fox dæmon, or to sneak looks at Anselm. Jaehyun’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>dangerous</span>
  </em>
  <span>, because whenever he deigns to contribute to their discussions about Marxism or post-structuralism, he has something quick-witted and intelligent to say, and he’ll win the others over with his dimpled half-smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung hates Jung Jaehyun.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Which is why, naturally, when he shows up to Moon Taeil’s ‘study session’, Jung Jaehyun is present in all his bastardly glory, along with two others Doyoung doesn’t recognize. (Later, Anselm will comment something insufferable about </span>
  <em>
    <span>the universe pushing them into each other </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Doyoung will wish for the hundredth time that he could smother her, just a little bit).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Moon Taeil, on the other hand, is a bit of an odd one. Doyoung recalls the first time they interacted in a tutorial, when the red-head had plunked himself next to Anselm with a broad smile, and asked "What are your names?" He had been prepared to sit by himself for all of the semester, as was the case in his other classes since university started, and the genuine friendship - if it could be called that - that Taeil extended towards Doyoung and Anselm is so jarring that he finds himself unable to keep up the barriers that usually naturally erect themselves when Doyoung and Anselm are around new people. Then there's the mystery of Taeil's dæmon: a rather intimidating golden eagle named Stavra who is unexpectedly kind towards Anselm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For the time being, Doyoung shuffles awkwardly in Taeil’s living room, uncomfortable with everybody else’s gaze on him and unsure of where to seat himself and Anselm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Doyoung! I’m so glad you could make it!” Taeil’s enthusiasm seems genuine as he stands up and waves them in from the entryway, and Stavra peers at them from where she’s perched on top of a bookshelf. The living room is small and bears signs of wear - the sofa and table they’re crowded around are scuffed but comfortable, and there are plants and unidentifiable knick-knacks shoved in just about every square inch of available space there is. It’s positively cozy, but the ease with which Taeil slings his arm around the shoulders of the boy with dusty pink hair makes something in Doyoung’s chest squeeze painfully.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m Doyoung,” he starts hesitantly in the general direction of the two faces he doesn’t recognize, avoiding looking at Jaehyun. “And this is Anselm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened to your dæmon?” The fifth in the room lounging on the single armchair has intense eyes and is looking at Doyoung unflinchingly, his falcon dæmon mirroring his gaze on Anselm. He appears utterly comfortable where he is, looking to all the world as though this were his flat rather than Taeil's. Doyoung feels his throat close up - it usually doesn’t start this quickly or this directly, but these things don’t change even when the world around them does, and really, it was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>phenomenally</span>
  </em>
  <span> stupid idea to come here in the first place. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung stutters out “I - I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - ” </span>
  <em>
    <span>To scare you, to tarnish this space with my presence, to</span>
  </em>
  <span> -</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The boy with pink hair smacks the one with intense eyes, and turns his doe eyes to Doyoung apologetically. Taeil cackles and the white falcon swoops up to join the gold-feathered eagle as Jaehyun and his fox look on with twin smirks. Doe-eyes turns to Doyoung and Anselm. “Sorry about Yuta’s dumb ass, he usually isn’t like this - ” he says, “I’m Taeyong, by the way.” A silver voice chimes in “- and I’m Lethe.” A beautiful cat with bright eyes and a leopard pattern coat slinks past the crowded table and, to Doyoung’s surprise, bumps noses with Anselm, who twitches violently. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yuta snorts. “You were all thinking it, don’t be hypocrites - ” but Taeil interjects “Sorry Doyoung, I don’t think I’ve mentioned before, but Yuta and I are witches so we - ”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You mean you haven’t talked about this yet - ?” Taeyong looks at them bemusedly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I - ”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung doesn’t catch the rest of Taeil’s reply, because the blood rushes to his ears and he’s gawking at them both, ignoring Jaehyun’s side-eye. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Witches? </span>
  </em>
  <span>What do you mean witches?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeil looks like he's going to reply, but Jaehyun snorts and interjects. "Now now, don't tell me </span>
  <em>
    <span>you're</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to discriminate against witches."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung glares at him. "I didn't say anything like that, asshole."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yuta laughs out loud this time and turns to Taeyong. "I like this one, he's funny." Taeyong laughs as well, and it's a lovely sound. "Cut it out, you're making Doyoung uncomfortable."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Like I was saying," Taeil looks pointedly at Yuta, "Yuta and I are witches, so we understand what it's like to..." He trails off and gestures at Doyoung and Anselm in a flustered manner.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What Taeil is trying to say is," Yuta grins at Doyoung, "We know what it's like to be freaks in the public eye."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yuta!" Taeyong smacks the back of the Japanese man's head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeil groans. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>No, </span>
  </em>
  <span>what Taeil is trying to say is we understand that it can be difficult around other people who don't know more about your condition." He enunciates the last word delicately, like he's not sure what to term Doyoung's... condition.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I..." Doyoung doesn't really know what to say in response, and clears his throat uncomfortably, noticing that Jaehyun is staring at him with an odd look on his face. He hasn't met any witches before, but from what he understands, their dæmons, though unsevered (unlike him and Anselm) can travel away from hosts for long distances and longer times, should need be. It's a phenomenon that Doyoung can't really wrap his mind around, but he has wondered on numerous occasions if it would be possible to pass him and Anselm off as witch and witch-spawn.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, please sit down," Taeyong nudges Lethe, who gracefully leaps into his lap, leaving a space for Doyoung and Anselm between him and Jaehyun.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung seats himself on a faded cushion, careful not to graze his leg against the fox dæmon. He waits expectantly as Anselm appears to waver between sitting closer to Lethe or to Jaehyun's fox and settles on the latter, much to Doyoung's surprise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Doyoung, I didn't know you also take this class." It's Taeyong again, who seems bent on being as nice as humanly possible to Doyoung. "I've never seen you at lectures before."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung is slightly taken aback. "I'm always at the back," He responds quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun looks at Taeyong pointedly. "Probably because you haven't been to lectures for like, two weeks."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeyong blushes, but it's Lethe who chimes in. "Like you're one to talk, Jung Jaehyun, you only started showing up after, what was it? The fourth week?" Jaehyun's fox grins wolfishly and agrees. "She's got you there, Jae."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung watches this exchange, barely containing his surprise. It's rare for dæmons to talk directly to other humans, and when it happens it's generally a sign of intimacy for romantic partners. He notices Anselm lightly flicking her ears, as though echoing Doyoung's thoughts. Are Jaehyun and Taeyong involved?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yuta notices Doyoung and Anselm's quizzical looks, and grins at them. Taeil, on the other hand, seems to have checked out of the conversation and is poring over a textbook, typing away on his laptop rapidly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung turns to pull out his own laptop, and takes his glasses case out of his bag. Anselm nudges the case open while Doyoung flicks on the power button, one hand keying in his password familiarly and the other settling his glasses on his nose. It's a habitual movement that Doyoung's mother disapproves of, one of the few things she still verbalizes to Doyoung at home. ("Doyoung ah, you know that makes your glasses lopsided, right?" Lips tightening and tone cold. It makes Doyoung do it all the more.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun makes a strangled sort of noise in his throat and Doyoung frowns at him, but the other has already looked back down. Instead, Doyoung catches the fox's eyes and is taken aback when it says to him "It's Casimir, by the way." The name is familiar, but Doyoung isn't in the habit of coming into contact with people's dæmons on the regular (with Ten's Amarantha and now Taeil's Stavra being the exceptions), so he shrugs and looks back down at his work.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next few hours pass in relative productivity and silence, save for the sound of several sets of fingers fervently typing on keyboards, and the scuffles from dæmons moving around the space restlessly, evidently bored. Jaehyun brushes his hand against Doyoung's several times when reaching for his bag or stroking Casimir's fur. Each time Doyoung looks up, unsure if the movement is intentional and being fairly annoyed by it but Jaehyun never acknowledges him. A heavy feeling settles inside him that he tries to ignore, unsure of what it's supposed to mean and altogether disinterested in finding out. He catches himself sneaking side glances when Taeyong murmurs a question and Jaehyun responds with a quip, prompting another lilting laugh from the beautiful boy with pink hair. Doyoung still can't figure out what Taeyong's relationship is with Jaehyun, or really, how the rest of the room relate to each other. He supposes the flat must belong to Taeil, and maybe Yuta is Taeil's roommate, but that doesn't explain where Taeyong or Jaehyun fit into the picture -</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Snack time!" Taeyong exclaims suddenly a few hours in, and hurries to the kitchen. Lethe rolls her eyes, and says to no one in particular "Yongie is going through a baking phase, excuse the excessive number of chocolate chip cookies," just as Taeyong comes out of the kitchen with a massive Tupperware full of cookies.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeil laughs and stands up, stretching. Stavra and Yuta's hawk, who Doyoung has learned is named Themis, swoop down to the table and grab a cookie each before perching on either side of Yuta's squishy armchair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casimir yawns. "I don't mind, Yongie should bake as many cookies as he wants." Themis snorts (can birds snort?) and says "You would say that, Cas. Keep it going and your stupid legs won't be able to support you anymore, </span>
  <em>
    <span>spindly.</span>
  </em>
  <span>" The fox grunts, unbothered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Them, grab a cookie for me," Yuta says from his armchair. Themis does fly down once more to grab a cookie, but instead of passing it to the Japanese man, deposits it in front of Anselm instead, ignoring Yuta's annoyed "Oi!".</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung notes all of this with wide eyes, a faint throbbing beginning in his head as he tries to process the information in front of him. All of the dæmons here seem so </span>
  <em>
    <span>comfortable </span>
  </em>
  <span>with each other, and with each other's humans. It's entirely plausible that Taeil, Taeyong, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yuta are somehow all in a messy polyamorous relationship, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jaehyun as well? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Doyoung and Anselm haven't had close friends - hell, even just normal friends - since the </span>
  <em>
    <span>incident, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but surely the world hasn't changed so much since then? He remembers his middle school years, when it had been taboo for dæmons to talk to anybody but their humans, and how special it was when it happened. It was a sign of complete faith and intimacy, and Anselm only ever chose to talk to others when Doyoung himself couldn't. Like that night when Jaehyun and his fox had to bring them back home. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That </span>
  </em>
  <span>was an exception.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nobody else notices Doyoung's fretting except Anselm, who seems similarly surprised but is much better at hiding it, the stupid rat. She takes Themis' offering graciously and then hops over lightly to seat herself next to Casimir, looking for all intents and purposes as though she had known Jaehyun and Casimir for years. Doyoung will have to interrogate her later, damn traitor.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sky outside the tiny window is rapidly darkening, and Yuta is the one who points it out. "Guys, you know what this means right," he says. Taeil and Taeyong groan in unison, while Jaehyun says, "I got you, bro," and pulls out his phone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sorry, what does this mean?" Anselm beats Doyoung to the punch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yuta replies gleefully, "Study pizza," and Themis finishes the sentence for him. "He who studies until night falls dost deservith pizza," with Casimir, Lethe, and Stavra chiming in at 'dost'.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"The audience has spoken, and so shall he order pizza." Jaehyun grins, the shadow of his dimples lengthening as his face is illuminated by the blue light of his phone. "What do we want tonight?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, oh, I want pepperoni!" Taeil shouts out, reclining on the sofa with his feet tucked beneath Taeyong, who protests, "Pepperphoni for me please, Jae."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yuta exclaims "Hawaiian!", but Jaehyun doesn't bat an eyelash when he says at the same time as him "Hawaiian right?" And adds under his breath, "Fucking predictable."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casimir snorts, looks at Anselm, and then Doyoung. "Pizza?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anselm doesn't miss a beat in saying "BBQ Jackfruit, thank you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun laughs, and it's a stupid, throaty sound that makes the heavy feeling in Doyoung's chest sink deeper into his stomach. "You're vegetarian too, huh? Looks like Yongie has company!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeyong and Yuta both seem amused by this, and share a glance with each other at the same time that Lethe and Themis do. It's all utterly confusing to Doyoung, and he tries to focus on his work while waiting for the pizza to arrive, but the others in the flat make it difficult.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The truth is, something about the ease with which all of them - human and dæmon alike - interact with each other makes Doyoung </span>
  <em>
    <span>yearn. </span>
  </em>
  <span>They're part of a family, comfortable and loving, and it makes Doyoung ache for </span>
  <em>
    <span>a feeling</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he hasn't felt since he was fifteen. He doesn't know what Anselm feels, doesn't understand how the rest communicate silently and seamlessly with their own dæmons, and it makes his heart twist, makes his heart </span>
  <em>
    <span>ache.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>God, he wants.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay, but what do we think about Taeyong's new beau," Taeil says seriously, and his tone makes Doyoung scoff. He can't help but say "I don't know about y'all, but it sounds like Taeyong should eradicate his </span>
  <em>
    <span>new beau, </span>
  </em>
  <span>if you know what I mean," and almost stabs himself for it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stupid, what were you thinking -</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeyong laughs with so much mirth that tears appear in his eyes as he grabs Doyoung's hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Eradi- eradicate- Oh my god- " Yuta is similarly gasping for breath as he reaches for Themis, apparently for comfort.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun, for his part, is composed when he grins at Anselm and Doyoung.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Taeil hyung, why didn't you invite Doyoung earlier!" Taeyong whines, but Taeil interjects, "I did in our first tutorial together! He just didn't show up until now!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Calm down, children, there's plenty of me to go around," Doyoung says dryly, and his brain short-circuits at how easy it is to join in the banter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Johnny hyung is perfectly acceptable and doesn't deserve eradicating," Jaehyun says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yuta responds quickly, "Yeah well, you work with him Jae, you're practically contractually obliged to say that."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's Casimir who replies instead of Jaehyun. "Yeah, he actually is."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This is so stupid, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Doyoung thinks, but he can't wipe the smile from his face or the bright feeling that fills his chest. Anselm is chattering with Lethe and Casimir on the side, but Doyoung is too distracted looking at the way Jaehyun's eyes crinkle when he laughs to notice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The pizza arrives perhaps at the perfect time, because Doyoung is about to talk to Jaehyun but is interrupted. Taeil thanks the deliveryman at the doorway and distributes pizza boxes to the rest of the room, taking care to deliver the correct order to him and Anselm. "BBQ Jackfruit, right?" He winks, and moves on to the others.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's not long into eating the pizzas before somebody breaks out the alcohol. Doyoung doesn't protest as Yuta places a rum and coke into his hand and winks. "For good luck, mate, you definitely need it." He doesn't have time to ask Anselm what Yuta means, because all of a sudden Taeil and Taeyong are fighting over a slice of pizza while Stavra and Lethe look on with twin expressions of exasperation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun simply gazes silently with Casimir while Yuta and Themis shout out encouragement to Taeyong and Taeil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung doesn't have much experience in this sort of setting, let alone being tipsy in this sort of setting, but it's the circumstance he's found himself in so he has no choice but to deal with it. He doesn't like the idea of having to talk in coherent sentences to people while inebriated (unlike when he simply has to grunt at a bartender for Ten to interpret his words). Anselm doesn't seem to be faring much better, because she's talking to Casimir in an animated fashion that actually implies enjoyment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung is not sober enough for this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He's finished his pizza, but he doesn't know what else to do with his hands, so he nervously pulls out a pen and sketches randomly on a notepad. Taeil, Taeyong and Yuta don't seem to notice that he and Jaehyun are left out of the conversation, but Doyoung prefers it that way. He listens in quietly while Anselm talks to Casimir, nose twitching happily. Doyoung doesn't remember seeing her this excited in ages.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Do you want to join me?" Jaehyun says so quietly that Doyoung almost doesn't catch it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He responds, "Pardon?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun doesn't repeat himself, but merely twitches his index and middle fingers with a cigarette held in them, and heads steadily to Taeil's balcony.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anselm lopes after Casimir and Jaehyun without even looking back at Doyoung. He has no choice but to follow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeil's balcony overlooks the busy nightlife of Seoul, neon lights and shop signs flickering in and out of Doyoung's sight as he tries to focus on Jaehyun and Casimir. Jaehyun is smoking a joint, dragging out each puff languidly, his throat glowing red and blue and white in the moonlight and city night as he tilts his head back, puffing out white smoke. Casimir seems just as relaxed as Jaehyun and looks unabashedly at Anselm with what Doyoung, in his slightly tipsy stupor, identifies as </span>
  <em>
    <span>want. But that can't be right... </span>
  </em>
  <span>Doyoung muses, unsure of where to settle his nervous hands. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Because if Casimir wants Anselm, that means that Jaehyun...</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wants me - but Doyoung doesn't have time to complete that thought, because Jaehyun is speaking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't know if you can tell," Jaehyun says, words only slightly slurring at the edges as he tips a beer bottle back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casimir seems amused. "Oh no, not this again."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay, shut up Cas."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"My hypothesis is," Jaehyun begins the same time as Casimir is saying "His hypothesis is - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anselm chortles with glee, completely enamoured with both of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun insists, "My hypothesis is that Taeyong is in love with Taeil, who is in love with Win Win, who is in love with Taeyong," he continues, but it's incomprehensible to Doyoung, who doesn't know who or what a Win Win is.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anselm replies in Doyoung's stead "Okay, so what are you going to do about it?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casimir laughs. "Absolutely fuck all, of course. Do you even know Jae?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung can't keep up. It's slightly infuriating that Anselm can. She says to Jaehyun "Sorry about Doyoung, he's a lightweight," and when Doyoung grumbles at her, she adds, "But you knew that already."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun and Casimir laugh in unison. The sound is so beautiful it hurts Doyoung to hear it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah." Their voices are indistinguishable to Doyoung, who rests his aching head against the flower planters on the balcony, inhaling in the clean earthy scent. He takes a second to compose himself, choosing his words carefully, knowing that Anselm is listening. "Look," he begins, suddenly confident.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't know what your problem is," Doyoung continues, ignoring Anselm's moan in the background. "You can't just - you can't just play around with people like that. Taeyong clearly likes you a lot - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casimir interrupts, "I'm sorry, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Taeyong likes Jaehyun a lot? </span>
  </em>
  <span>They've been roommates for a year for fuck's sake - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anselm twitches violently against Doyoung, "Wait, Taeyong and Jaehyun are </span>
  <em>
    <span>roommates? </span>
  </em>
  <span>But Yuta, - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"- oh my fucking god, these virgins are useless," Casimir mutters, but Doyoung doesn't have time to react before Jaehyun says, "Christ, I forgot you don't know. This is mine and Taeyong's flat, but Taeil and Taeyong have been close friends since kindergarten, and Taeil kind of adopted Yuta and Win Win during orientation, and Win Win fell in love with Taeyong, so - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"- So we're all friends, let's put it that way." Casimir cuts in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung blinks, trying to let all that sink in. Anselm tenses up against him, silent for now, unsure if she should interrupt or not.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Um, so - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't worry too much about it," Jaehyun's eyes crinkle again at Doyoung, amused, but in this lighting and at this point of tipsiness, Doyoung finds him almost handsome.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I can explain as many times as you want."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung blinks, unsure of what that means. "Um - " he says intelligently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That means that Doie is appreciative," Anselm supplies helpfully, nose twitching again. Casimir lets out a barking laugh, not unlike a dog's.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Um," Doyoung tries again. "He's a wolf right," he says, pointing clumsily at Casimir.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casimir looks delighted. "Yes, I'm a maned wolf, so kind of you to notice."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The four of them settle into a silence, Doyoung enjoying the warm buzzing that's settled beneath his veins, pumping and thrumming as he tries to find the words to express how he feels to Jaehyun.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun beats him to it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Go out with me." He cuts to the chase.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung instinctively replies, "No," and then cringes, both for his sake and for Jaehyun and Casimir's. He tries to clarify, "I don't date people on principle, because ever since the incident - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, so there's an incident - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung marches forward, "Ever since the incident, Anselm and I've categorized the world into three different groups - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Apathetics, abusives, and fetishizers," Anselm chants familiarly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Precisely," Doyoung says, opening his arms encouragingly at Jaehyun and Casimir. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Surely they understand now - ?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun doesn't respond verbally, but instead pulls Doyoung close to him, until their chests and foreheads meet. From the corner of his eye, Doyoung notices Casimir cuddling Anselm. "You're so adorable when you're trying to prove a point," Jaehyun murmurs, and Doyoung is close enough to taste the smoke and honey whiskey on his breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun's eyelashes are thick and dark this close to Doyoung's face. His eyes are a dark hazel with specks of gold that glint brightly in the moonlight, and his lips are pink and softly-alluring. He can't tear his eyes away from them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun's thumb is rubbing against his cheek. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jaehyun's thumb is rubbing against his cheek and the rest of that ridiculously big palm is smooth and warm against Doyoung's face and -</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They're kissing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They're kissing, and Doyoung can't stop himself from leaning into it, moaning slightly as he grasps desperately at Jaehyun, afraid to let go. "Don't - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun gasps, "I won't, I swear - " but then Doyoung swallows that up with another kiss, hot and searing. He allows himself to grip at Jaehyun's biceps, allows himself to cling desperately to Jaehyun's warmth, allows himself to </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>Anselm's glee as she darts around Casimir, bright eyed and beautiful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He can detect the faint floral scent mingled in with the cinammon-and-ginger-and-brown-sugar-and-earth-scent that is altogether </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jaehyun and Casimir, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and it makes Doyoung and Anselm dizzy with desire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung pants, "Can we please - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"- of course, stop being so fucking polite - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh fuck, wait I didn't realize - " but it's too late. Doyoung breaks apart from Jaehyun, dazed but still remembering where he is as Yuta gazes sheepishly at all four of them, unsure of where to place his hands and opting to run them through his long hair. "Um - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sorry, I didn't mean to - '' Doyoung comes-to violently, remembering where he is, remembering </span>
  <em>
    <span>who </span>
  </em>
  <span>he's with, and suddenly he's panicking. Anselm understands immediately (of course she does), and she's a familiar weight on his shoulder again, guiding him out of Taeyong and Jaehyun's flat and into the dark, uninviting night.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, what have I done again.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the night (or morning) is a blur. Doyoung knows he's made it back to his flat when he feels Amarantha snaking around Anselm, a cool, comforting presence while Ten guides all of them towards Doyoung's bed with a glass of water in his hand.</span>
  <span>"Doyoung," Ten pushes back Doyoung's sweaty bangs, "You have </span>
  <em>
    <span>got to </span>
  </em>
  <span>stop doing this, mate."</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yeah i made taeil and yuta witches what about it.</p>
<p>another nugget of info for this universe/his dark materials canon is that witches' dæmons are always birds, and they can be separated from each other for long distances/time.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. tired enough to lay my own soul down</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>t/w: mentions of drug use, self-harm, depression; remember that this is all fictional and i am in no way speculating about jaedo's personal lives/issues because that's their business not mine</p>
<p>in an ideal world i would write many chapters beforehand and schedule posts regularly but this is not that world lmfao</p>
<p>this chapter is probably darker in tone than the previous ones bc i wanted to go more into jaehyun's psyche (and that's on projecting personal traumas onto fic characters) but i promise! it only gets better from here! pls don't be scared away</p>
<p>recap lil guide: </p>
<p>- doyoung ⇢ anselm (female hare) ⇢ doyoung is severed :(<br/>- jaehyun ⇢ casimir (male maned wolf)<br/>- ten ⇢ amarantha (female blue malaysian coral snake)<br/>- taeil ⇢ stavra (female golden eagle) ⇢ taeil's a witch<br/>- taeyong ⇢ lethe (female ocelot)<br/>- yuta ⇢ themis (female gyrfalcon) ⇢ yuta's a witch<br/>- johnny ⇢ tylda (female great pyrenees)<br/>- jungwoo ⇢ laela (female fossa)<br/>- sicheng ⇢ mystery (bc i might use it as a plot point at some point)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOz0rxmeWD4">
    <span>▶  </span>
    <span>Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now by Gnarls Barkley</span>
  </a>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It feels like his lungs are still filled with the same smoke from when he kissed Doyoung on the balcony, the two of them washed in the dim neon glow of the city at night, a warm content buzz at the back of his head from Cas being wrapped around Anselm and the taste of honey whiskey lingering on Doyoung's soft lips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His lungs are still filled with smoke, but it's crept its way to his mind and left a sour tang which Jaehyun doesn't need Cas to explain is </span>
  <em>
    <span>longing</span>
  </em>
  <span> - he misses Doyoung, that much he can admit to himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's been weeks since he last saw the boy with the severed dæmon and when Jaehyun asks Taeil about it, all the witch offers up is an off-key half excuse and a sympathetic glance. It makes Jaehyun's teeth grind whenever Taeil (or Taeyong, for that matter) looks at him with what amounts to pity, eyes kind but one interaction away from boring into Jaehyun's core and reading the misery that's engraved itself there. Jaehyun doesn't deal well with pity, and he buries himself into uni work and the monotony of living that both he and Casimir so detest, picking up shifts on his job and men and women at local clubs alike. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It is oh so unbearably </span>
  <em>
    <span>mundane</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung and Anselm have stopped showing up to their shared lecture and tutorial, but end of term is nearing and their absence is barely noticeable when so many others were doing the same. Jaehyun greets Taeil politely when they run into each other at tutorials, sometimes passes cookies for him and Stavra at Taeyong's request, but turns down invitations for another study session. Jaehyun had been present for the memorable occasion when Doyoung had joined Taeil and Taeyong's little gang only because they had used his and Taeyong's shared flat instead of Taeil's. According to Taeyong, Doyoung hadn't shown up to a single session after the disaster last time with that Japanese bastard Yuta, and Jaehyun has no intention of misleading the two witches into thinking he's interested in befriending them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thing is, Jaehyun doesn't really do friends, and from what he can tell of Doyoung they're similar in that regard. Jaehyun has Casimir, and he's on good terms with Johnny and the others at Bar U, and maybe Taeyong is something of a friend after living together for almost two years, but he and Cas have never really needed more than that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes Taeyong will bring men over for the night, and he and Casimir will stay shut in their room getting high, and either one of them will inadvertently bring up Doyoung and Anselm (though usually Casimir).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Jae, buddy," Casimir always looks just as wrecked as Jaehyun when they're like this, even if the dæmon isn't capable of smoking himself. "You should text Doyoung, you know you want to - " </span>
  <span>Jaehyun snorts and takes another hit, tipping his head back to exhale the earthy smoke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casimir pushes on. "I don't know, but something about Selma is just..." Jaehyun can feel Casimir's intense side-eyeing but chooses to ignore it. "Selma is just..."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Selma is just</span>
  </em>
  <span>..." Jaehyun imitates Cas' tone, head light as he ribs his dæmon, who huffs and moves away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun </span>
  <em>
    <span>has</span>
  </em>
  <span> thought about simply texting Doyoung. He did, after all, ask for Doyoung's number from Taeyong, who had looked at him curiously with those big eyes of his but not questioned further. Taeyong was tactful like that. Sometimes on Jaehyun's worst nights, when the sky outside is especially inky black and the air stiflingly stagnant, he'll lie in bed for hours on end, arm propped behind his head scrolling mindlessly and numbly on his phone, trying desperately to ignore thinking about anything at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Those nights are the hardest. Casimir stays silent through them, curled up next to Jaehyun on the bed and offering nothing but a gentle emanating warmth. Emptiness claws through his chest, threatening to disconnect every neuron and sinew in his body, a slow roaring hurt that consumes like low-burning fire as he tries desperately not to reach for the pen-knife he knows is in his bag, well within reach.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And when his eyes are aching from the blue light of his screen, when he's reached the bottom of every single one of his social media feeds, he'll flick to the page he always has open of Doyoung's contact, name simply saved as </span>
  <em>
    <span>bunny boy</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Thumbs hovering over the keyboard, deliberating what to say. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun isn't brave and he's not about to start now, but Doyoung stays at the back of his mind almost all the time, and it's infuriating. He's unfamiliar with wanting something and not being able to easily get it, and it makes his skin </span>
  <em>
    <span>itch</span>
  </em>
  <span> with desire. On some level, Jaehyun supposes that he's projecting the dying embers of any hope he held for leading a relatively normal life onto Doyoung, which is ironic considering the other's status. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You want to fix yourself, and you think Doyoung might be the answer because - " Casimir said once in their shared intoxicated state, and the words echo in Jaehyun's head even now; " - because he's just as broken as you are, and between the two of you, you might have enough bits and pieces to put together as a whole."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Casimir also said something along the lines of an insult after that, but Jaehyun is practiced at pretending not to hear him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And so it goes; in between pining after Doyoung (listening to Casimir pine after Anselm) and barely keeping atop his workload, Jaehyun and Casimir struggle, drown, and continue to </span>
  <em>
    <span>live</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>---</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's the end of term, and Jaehyun finds himself at the back of Han's with his tongue down a petite girl's throat, trying to think of a way to get out of the situation tactfully, but it turns out that he doesn't have to because Johnny appears out of nowhere with his Great Pyrenees dæmon Tylda, and the two (being idiotically </span>
  <em>
    <span>big</span>
  </em>
  <span>) spirit him and Cas effortlessly towards Taeyong and the others. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Getting together with everybody else had been Taeil and Johnny's idea - Jaehyun learned the night before that the only two hyungs he knew at SMU were, coincidentally, also part of the same friend group. So now Jaehyun and Casimir were at the other main student bar on campus that he and Johnny don't bar-tend at, and he's well on his way to being drunk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's nothing out of the norm - Taeyong drags him along to his little gatherings with Taeil and Yuta all the time, but the difference is the group this time comprises of seemingly everybody Taeil and Johnny know, which includes Johnny's on-and-off friends with benefits Ten, who Jaehyun had heard much about on his shifts with Johnny, and Doyoung, who was apparently Ten's roommate. A couple of others from China were also there with Win Win, presumably part of the FSA crowd, but Jaehyun isn't familiar with any of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They're supposed to be celebrating the end of finals, but Jaehyun isn't exactly in the mood to watch Taeil, Taeyong, and Win Win make moon eyes at each other. He leans against the counter with Casimir wrapped around his legs, carelessly holding a glass of gin-tonic in his right hand and searching the crowd for Doyoung, who should be plenty recognizable given his apparent aversion to bringing Anselm to bars. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't see Doyoung or Anselm, but somebody with bright eyes and a bashful, beautiful smile catches Jaehyun's eye across the counter, and he decides that he can live without seeing the boy with the severed dæmon for the night. The stranger has creamy skin and long legs, his strange, cat-but-not-quite dæmon draped across his shoulders nuzzling against fluffy brown hair. Jaehyun throws him a half-smile, careful to keep it wide enough that his dimples show.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm Jungwoo," surprisingly, the other approaches first. This should be easy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm with Johnny hyung," Jungwoo continues in a soft, pleasant voice that is barely audible in the din of the bar. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun keeps a polite stream of small talk with Jungwoo as best as he can, but he's tipsy and impatient to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>find somebody </span>
  </em>
  <span>to spend the night with. He stares at Jungwoo with glazed over eyes, hoping that he doesn't look too wasted. Jungwoo is talking about his job at the local florist, but Jaehyun is barely paying attention until he mentions the name Doyoung. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>" - Doyoung told me about how nice Taeil hyung and his friends are - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun feels Cas tense against his legs. "Doyoung?" He manages, hoping that Jungwoo understands what he's saying. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jungwoo appears to have misunderstood him, because he laughs happily and continues as though he hadn't heard Jaehyun. "Doyoung was really down the other day when he came into the shop with Anselm, but he begged me to come here today with him so that he knew somebody besides Ten! But I talked to Taeyong and Taeil just now and they all know Doyoung so I don't know what he's on about, maybe he's just shy..." Jungwoo pauses, then pouts. "Maybe he just tricked me here!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun blinks at him, unsure of how to respond, but then Jungwoo slings a shoulder around him and laughs. "I'm just joking, Jaehyun! Stop looking so serious, you'll get wrinkles!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jungwoo's strange catlike dæmon is talking to Casimir now, and Jaehyun might have to ask Cas about it later. For now, Jungwoo is a talkative but entertaining enough presence, and though Jaehyun senses the other isn't the type to easily go home with strangers, he continues to converse with him distractedly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At some point, Johnny joins them, having broken off from the main group consisting of Taeil, Taeyong, Win Win, and the other Chinese boys. Doyoung and Ten are nowhere to be seen, but that isn't surprising. What is surprising is the intense gaze that Johnny rests on Jungwoo when the three of them move to a quieter corner of the bar. Jungwoo keeps the conversation going spectacularly well on his own, which is a good thing because Jaehyun is busy trying to decipher Johnny's reaction to Jungwoo, and Johnny is busy, well, staring at Jungwoo.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He can sense Casimir's agreement that there's something going on between the other two, who cast long shadows across the floor as they lean closer and closer against each other in the dim light. Jungwoo appears oblivious, but Johnny's expression seems torn between bemusement, resignation, and fondness. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun feels Casimir tense up against his legs and turns around just in time to see Doyoung and his hare slip through the crowd. He mutters an excuse and leaves Johnny and Jungwoo to their own devices, though they don't seem particularly bothered by his leave. Weaving through the throng of people, he just manages to catch Doyoung in time near the back exit of the bar, which is blocked by a large pillar. Cas has moved himself instinctively to block the exit, but Jaehyun can't tell what his dæmon is doing with Anselm because he finds himself face to face with Doyoung. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the flickering dim lighting of the bar, Doyoung looks ethereal. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He's wearing impossibly skin-tight ripped jeans and a flowing white shirt that hangs loosely on his lean frame, exposing slender collarbones and a graceful neck. Jaehyun gazes stupidly at him, trying to find the right words to say, but his throat constricts involuntarily when he notices that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Doyoung is wearing eyeliner.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He feels himself flatline, certain that he looks like an idiot gaping at the other, but he can't bring himself to care. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung glares at him, but speaks first. "Jaehyun," he nods at him and Casimir curtly. "I heard that Taeyong invited you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Taeyong, Taeil, and Johnny actually," Jaehyun corrects quietly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung snorts, but appears to have changed his mind about leaving via the back door. Instead, he leads them to the other side of the pillar, where they have a clear view of the rest of the group. He's leaning against the cool white surface, head tilted slightly and eyes closed as he tips back the rest of his drink - predictably, it's whiskey. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun searches the back of his mind to tell how Casimir is faring with Anselm, but draws up a blank. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He's not unfamiliar with the disconnect, but it usually only happens when he's completely wasted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung is looking at him expectantly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I haven't seen you around." He chooses a carefully neutral tone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So how've you been?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung purses his lips. "Fine." Jaehyun allows a laugh to slip through, because the other is as prickly as ever, and it's endearing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung doesn't react, which bothers him slightly. He plays around with his glass, swishing the amber liquid inside around, enjoying the glittering effect of light passing through the honey whiskey. Doyoung's eyes follow his hands, and the two of them stand in uncomfortable silence, nursing their drinks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Why do you keep - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Why won't you just - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They try to break the silence at the same time, but it's Doyoung who continues his sentence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Why do you keep bothering me?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun laughs again, because Doyoung's expression - caught between anger and confusion - is just so damn amusing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm not trying to bother you, bunny boy," Ignoring Doyoung's indignant expression at the pet name, Jaehyun continues. "I think we just keep running into each other, actually."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Fat chance."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You don't believe me?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No?" Doyoung responds, but his tone is uncertain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hmm." Jaehyun ponders what to say next. "I've been meaning to tell you - "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung interrupts him. "If you want to ask about how Anselm and I became this way, it's none of your business."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun is taken aback at Doyoung's defensiveness, because he hadn't ever thought to ask that. "I never said anything about that, did I? I was going to say that your face would be a lot prettier if you weren't scowling and prickly all the time."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm not prickly." Doyoung protests, his frown deepening. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You are, bunny, you definitely are," Jaehyun can't keep the amusement from his voice. "But god knows you have reason to be, I just don't understand why you'd let it get to you if you're so used to it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To Jaehyun's surprise, Doyoung's expression darkens, and when he speaks again, his tone is ice-cold. "You don't understand anything, Jung Jaehyun. You - " He's shaking with anger, knuckles clenched white on his whiskey glass. "You're so fucking full of yourself, you think you know everybody and everything, but you </span>
  <em>
    <span>don't</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You have no idea what I go through."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun hums at that, trying to conceal his panic that Doyoung might leave out of anger. "No, I guess I don't, but I could say the same for everybody else, and I don't see you holding a personal grudge against them for it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't not hold a grudge against them, I just have no reason to express it when they stay out of my lane." Doyoung says pointedly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Having a massive chip on your shoulder isn't a cute look, darling," Jaehyun drawls, enjoying how Doyoung glares at him again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I may have a chip on my shoulder, but you have..." Doyoung, who Jaehyun surmises is just as if not more drunk than himself, struggles to find the right words. "You're so arrogant."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You're so arrogant. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun's heard those words before from ex boyfriends and girlfriends, and he hates it. Doyoung's eyes are a piercing black when he holds his gaze, and Jaehyun can't help feeling like he's drowning in them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doyoung continues in one breath, like he's afraid he won't be able to finish if he doesn't rush through it in one go. "You're arrogant, and you're careless, and you're so far up your own ass you don't realize that but I... You... You have no good fucking reason to be like this, I know it because Taeil hyung's told me about you," Doyoung is rambling now, his eyes bright as he leans closer to Jaehyun. "You come from a nice family and you're so... you have </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> going for you but you waste it all on absolutely fuck all, because you're what, bored? You're pathetic." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Somewhere deep inside of Jaehyun, something long dormant begins to throb violently against his chest, making the heat rise to his ears. He's pinned down by Doyoung's searing gaze and candor, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>absolutely detests it</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're just another rich pretty boy with too much time on his hands so stop acting like you're different and edgy, because you're fucking not." Doyoung is almost shouting now. "You don't understand jackshit about anything."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun seizes Doyoung by the collar before he can stop himself, and presses him against the wall. Their faces are so close together he can see the smudged bits of eyeliner dotting Doyoung's eyelids, and their bodily positions remind him of that night so many months ago when they'd kissed on his balcony. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't understand what you're going through," He breathes down Doyoung's face, and wishes that Doyoung didn't look so pretty in this lighting. "But you have," Jaehyun grits his teeth and pulls down one of his sleeves with his teeth, keeping his other arm caging Doyoung against the pillar. "No right to say that I do this because I'm</span>
  <em>
    <span> bored</span>
  </em>
  <span>." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jae, no</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he can feel Casimir tuning in sharply in response to the rapid spike in his emotions. Casimir is too late, however, to stop Doyoung from seeing the marks littering his entire forearm, some blanched white and others a fresh red, weaving together a map of self-hatred and misery that Jaehyun hates looking at. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Years and years of flagellation, a timeline of Jaehyun's attempts to draw some emotion out of himself, even if it is response to pain - because pain is the only thing that makes him </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>strongly, and god he needs to feel again.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I - " Doyoung is looking at Jaehyun with a new light in his eyes, and it frightens Jaehyun because it's unfamiliar. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I thought you'd be different," Jaehyun whispers, his voice hoarse from the sheer emotion that's coursing through him right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I - " Doyoung repeats, but catches himself. "Let go of me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun obliges in a daze, and suddenly feels Casimir at his side again. Doyoung's hare has also returned, and is gazing at Jaehyun with her nose twitching rapidly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Jaehyunnn! Jeffrey bear! Jay babyyy," Johnny's found his way to them and is stumbling towards Jaehyun, tripping over Tylda and leaning heavily against Yuta, who seems similarly inebriated. Trailing behind them are Win Win and Taeil, who support between them a rosy-cheeked Taeyong clutching Lethe against his chest, and Jungwoo, who is talking animatedly with Ten and one of the Chinese boys. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ah! Doyoung!" Yuta catches sight of Doyoung and unabashedly drapes an arm around him. Doyoung doesn't seem to have noticed Yuta, because he's still holding Jaehyun's gaze, but then Ten and his snake dæmon hurl forward and the slight Thai man falls against all four of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ten minutes and a lot of fumbling and drunken yelling later, Doyoung is led away by Ten and Taeil to a club with the others, but Jaehyun opts to go home, ignoring Taeyong's drunkenly concerned looks and Johnny's incessant whining for Jeffrey baby. He stumbles outside from the main exit, the cool air doing little to soothe his throbbing head but certainly sobering him up just about enough to call an Uber. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slumped in the backseat of the clean car and pressing his forehead against the cold window, Jaehyun rides home silently with Doyoung's words turning over and over in his head. Cas has his head rested on Jaehyun's lap; when he looks down at his dæmon, the rhythmic pattern of shadows that dance across the maned wolf's amber coat resembles the receding view of a rail-track from atop a moving train.</span><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Too close for comfort.)</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yes, i love pain ;-; but i promise both doyoung and jaehyun will only get better from here </p>
<p>to everybody who's actually reading and commenting on this thank u i love u all u are my lifeblood </p>
<p>dm me on twitter @aurorachaang if u want to scream abt nct together or trash talk this or sth (jk pls be gentle) alternatively if u have any ideas abt where i should go with this !!! do tell bc i sure don't </p>
<p>lmk what yall think abt taeil/taeyong/sicheng and johnny/jungwoo bc i might try my hand at writing sth about them in this universe owo or whatever other ships yall think would be feasible in this universe!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. i've been feeling old, i've been feeling cold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: mentions of (past) self-harm, panic attacks, anxiety // this is a work of fiction, i am not speculating on nct's private life because it's not my business</p>
<p>dedicating this chapter to mia and wein bc y'all give me a will to live i love u bitches</p>
<p>this chapter is kind of all over the place but it's important and also i just wanted to give taeyong some showtime! more into doyoung's past and how his relationship with anselm differs from the average person + pining after jaehyun without realizing it.</p>
<p>references for this chapt:<br/>- doyoung ⇢ anselm (female hare) ⇢ doyoung is severed :(<br/>- jaehyun ⇢ casimir (male maned wolf)<br/>- ten ⇢ amarantha (female blue malaysian coral snake)<br/>- taeil ⇢ stavra (female golden eagle) ⇢ taeil's a witch<br/>- taeyong ⇢ lethe (female ocelot)<br/></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vopR3ys8Kw">▶ Drop The Game by Flume</a>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anselm's noticeably colder in the days following the end-of-term gathering with Taeil and the rest. Doyoung doesn't try particularly hard to engage with her, being familiar with his hare dæmon's temperament, but he hates when she's passive-aggressive like this. It brings him all the way back to when he was fourteen and freshly severed from Anselm, before they'd learnt to communicate through glances, quick touches, the reading of tremors in whiskers and ticks in eyebrows, or the smallest quirks in his lips and the faintest twitch of her nose. In some way, Doyoung's always believed that he and Anselm share something far more intimate and profound than the rest of the world - true understanding, based not on biology but on mutual trust, respect, and desire to learn. It is what he reminds himself of on the hardest days, but sometimes Selma doesn't make it easy.</p>
<p>They pointedly don't talk about the elephant - or rather, the bartender with the stupid dimpled smile - in the room, but there's no doubt that it's on both their minds at any time of day, though perhaps Anselm cared more about Casimir than Jaehyun.</p>
<p>Doyoung doesn't know how to fix things, and he's not sure it's worth trying. Anselm had put it succinctly when he'd woken up with a raging hangover and bad mood after being dragged to a club by Ten and Taeil: he had fucked up with Jung Jaehyun.</p>
<p>It was the honey whiskey again, humming in his veins when he had to tilt his head slightly upwards to look at Jaehyun's face in that dim bar, with his crooked dimpled smile and eyes glinting slightly gold, close enough that Doyoung could smell smoke and citrus on him. Jaehyun was a hypnotic presence, and Doyoung couldn't stand being around him - always the feeling of standing at the edge of cliff, gazing into a misty abyss with no clue how far down he would fall. He couldn't stop himself from looking at Jaehyun's lips, wondering if they were as soft as he remembered, and the intensity of sheer <em>feeling </em>that coursed through Doyoung then had pushed open the floodgates, causing all his misgivings, his distrust, his insecurity to manifest in a completely honest rant - except Doyoung forgot to temper it with the molten desire, the curiosity (the hope) that he's learned to recognize as being purely an influence that Jaehyun exerts over him.</p>
<p>Doyoung can't forget the look on Jaehyun's face when he'd pulled back his sleeves with a strange glint in his eyes. Scars, some silvery and some raw pink, littered the length of Jaehyun's pale forearm, clear even in the dim light of the bar, and Doyoung's breath had hitched. It was the strangest thing, seeing Jaehyun with his mask peeled away to reveal trepidation, anger, and... fear?</p>
<p>What did Jaehyun have to fear?</p>
<p>Everything about him confused Doyoung. His careless arrogance in class, his smooth flirting when bar-tending, his half-smile that betrayed no genuine emotion and his eyes that always seemed to be searching for something in Doyoung and Anselm.</p>
<p>Doyoung's resolve breaks, and he finally decides to do something about the whole situation.</p>
<p>Taeyong had been texting him sporadically since they'd exchanged numbers at Taeil's behest, mostly cute pictures of rabbits and photos of his latest bakes.</p>
<p>Doyoung is never sure of how to respond to Taeyong, but something in the doe-eyed boy's nature that's sweet and gentle makes Doyoung and Anselm gravitate naturally towards him.</p>
<p>Anselm leaps gracefully onto the bed, seating herself primly next to Doyoung who is currently staring at Taeyong's latest text and wondering how to formulate a response.</p>
<p>It's a photo of matcha brownies with the caption "look at my latest bake!!! they turned out so well!!!! u and selma should come over to taste them （人･ω･)."</p>
<p>Doyoung's thumbs hover over the keyboard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Okay, when's good for you?</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>omg! doie u actually replied!</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Do you want me to taste your brownies or not?</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>ure still in seoul right!</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Yes.</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He ponders for a minute, then quickly taps out:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>I don't go home over holidays.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>(◑○◑)omg i hope everything's okay!!!</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Yes, it's normal for me.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>u should come over any time then!!! i heard from jaehyun that ten's gone home u must be soo lonely!!!! （・∩・）</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Doyoung <em>does </em>miss the Thai man and Amarantha, but he would never admit that to them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>come over tomorrow!! maybe at 2?</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Sounds good, I'll be there.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>yayyyy omg jaehyun will be so happy!!!( ͡⚆ ͜ʖ ͡⚆)</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Doyoung leaves the chatroom and throws his phone face down on the bed, groaning audibly. Anselm rests her head on his chest, and he combs through her fur automatically, understanding that she's proud of him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Doyoung arrives at Taeyong's half an hour in advance with Anselm at his side and nervously holding two carefully wrapped homemade mackerel bentos that he'd fretted over the night before even when Anselm had assured him over and over again that everybody he knows (Taeil and Ten, that is) love his mackerel.</p>
<p>Taeyong comes to the door with his gorgeous dæmon resting elegantly on his shoulders. His eyes widen in delight and he exclaims "Doyoung! Come in come in!"</p>
<p>He leads Doyoung to the familiar living room, and Doyoung seats himself carefully, glancing around to check if -</p>
<p>"Ah, Jaehyun and Cas can't join us today, he suddenly had a shift at work." Taeyong emerges from the kitchen wearing oven mitts and plonks a platter stacked with green brownies onto the table.</p>
<p>"I see." Doyoung hopes Taeyong can't sense his relief and disappointment. Lethe, Taeyong's dæmon, twitches her ears and slinks over to sit next to Anselm.</p>
<p>"Go ahead Doyoung, please eat as much as you want."</p>
<p>He selects a brownie and bites into it, eyes widening in surprise at the flavour and finishing the rest in a heartbeat.</p>
<p>"Tae - Taeyong, this is really amazing." He says, wavering slightly before grabbing a second one. Taeyong beams at him and Lethe sniffs a little, saying in her silver voice "Of course, Yongie is the best baker at this university."</p>
<p>They talk for a bit over the brownies and hot chocolate that Taeyong had also made, and Doyoung feels himself relaxing. Taeyong is so easy to talk to despite how intimidating he can seem at first, and Anselm seems to enjoy conversing with Lethe as well. He's so relaxed in fact, that he thinks he's misheard when Taeyong says in the same soft tone "How're things with Jaehyun?"</p>
<p>Doyoung panics, unsure of how to respond and instinctively reaching for Anselm, but Taeyong notices this and says frantically "Ah, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that!"</p>
<p>Stroking Anselm's fur, Doyoung listens mutely. "It's just... I've been Jaehyun's roommate for almost two years, and even though I'd definitely say we're friends, he's always had this coldness to him, you know?" Taeyong pauses and Doyoung recognizes the telltale signs of human-dæmon wordless communication - eyelashes fluttering, the tiniest crease in his brow - even if they don't look at each other the way he and Anselm have to.</p>
<p>Still, Doyoung remains silent.</p>
<p>"He's been different since the beginning of the second year though," Taeyong continues. "It was just small things at first, but it feels like he lets his guard down more often now and," Taeyong colours slightly.</p>
<p>"Jae stopped bringing over strangers." Taeyong says at the same time Lethe chimes in "Jae stopped being a manslut."</p>
<p>Anselm flicks her ears that, indicating amusement.</p>
<p>"I... Why are you telling me this?" Doyoung asks, but he knows now that Taeyong has an angelic face and remarkable perception skills.</p>
<p>"I think you know why, Doie." Taeyong's voice is so soft, and Doyoung can't stop himself from flushing at the endearment.</p>
<p>There's not much to say after that, and when he makes an excuse to leave early Taeyong seems too understanding, face uncannily kind.</p>
<p>He receives a text from Taeyong while he waits for his train home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>thank u for coming today doie, i hope u enjoyed it! ๑ΘдΘ๑ ur bento is amazing omg how'd u season the mackerel lethe loves it so much1!!</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Of course, I was going to thank you first actually, sorry for leaving so early.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>nooo it's okay!! sry if i was a bit forward ppl always say that i meddle too much sometimes haha ˚▱˚</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>The mackerel is...</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Doyoung nervously glances at Anselm, who nods at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>... it's a secret.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>ゞ◎Д◎ヾ doie ure so mean!!!</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He slips his phone back into his pocket, but not before glancing at the new saved contact that Taeyong had stolen his phone briefly to enter. He hadn't bothered to change the contact name.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>jaehyun &lt;3</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Doyoung finds himself in front of Taeyong's door again a few weeks later with a bottle of soju in one hand and a massive bowl of chawanmushi in the other, he almost laughs at himself for so readily giving in to Taeyong's invitations.</p>
<p>He still hasn't texted Jaehyun out of stubbornness and anxiety, but between exchanging insults and memes with Ten, recipes with Taeyong and rambling late-night conversations about their coursework with Taeil, a sort of warm glowing feeling has come to reside semi-permanently in his chest - "Festive cheer," Anselm had said, something he's never felt even before Christmas and New Year, not since his severed state had cost him the entire world.</p>
<p>Doyoung is anxious this time because besides Taeil and Taeyong, both of whom he's reasonably comfortable with by now, Jaehyun will also be there. It's meant to be a small gathering since all the foreigners in Taeyong and Taeil's friend group had gone home over the holidays, but that means there's less buffer between him and Jaehyun.</p>
<p>It turns out that he and Anselm are the last to arrive, but they're invited in enthusiastically and loudly by an already pink-faced Taeyong and giggling Taeil. Jaehyun and Casimir are lounging on the sofa with amused expressions, and there's an array of delicious-looking dishes at the table.</p>
<p>"Ahhh Doiee!! Sorry, we've already broken into some of the soju - " Taeyong snatches Doyoung's offering and laughs gleefully. "I love you Doyoung."</p>
<p>Anselm leaps towards where the other dæmons are gathered on the rug in front of the bookshelf, and it doesn't escape Doyoung's notice that she and Casimir appear extremely happy to see each other. He doesn't have time to worry over this, because Taeil and Taeyong have pulled him to sit down at the table, and before long they're eating ravenously.</p>
<p>"Doyoung ah, this chawanmushi is really good!" Taeil exclaims, and Stavra lands on his shoulder to steal a bite as he helps himself to more. The glowing warm feeling inside Doyoung burns stronger, and he smiles at the shorter man shyly. "Thanks, hyung."</p>
<p>"Hyung you're taking all the best parts - " Taeyong protests, but then Jaehyun smirks and steals the last piece of fish cake.</p>
<p>"I thought you were vegetarian."</p>
<p>It takes a while for Doyoung to realize Jaehyun has directed the question at him, and he strains his voice slightly to respond over Taeyong and Taeil's squabbling.</p>
<p>"I'm pescetarian, actually." Jaehyun makes a faint humming sound, and says "You're a good cook. Cas really enjoyed your mackerel."</p>
<p>"I - Thank you." Doyoung grasps at words, trying to think of something to say, to maybe apologize, but instead he stares at his chopsticks, suddenly full despite not eating much.</p>
<p>He notices that Jaehyun and Casimir appear to be conversing silently throughout dinner, though Doyoung is certain only he and Anselm can tell, having trained themselves to be acutely aware of minute signs that <em>normal </em>people give off when talking.</p>
<p>For all that Doyoung is bad at interpreting social cues, he's observant and always hyper-aware of his surroundings. It's not hard to tell that even though Taeyong and Taeil banter easily and smile genuinely at each other, there's a strange tension between them that Doyoung can't quite put his finger on. He remembers what Jaehyun had said before about there being something between them and the Chinese student called Win Win, and he lets his mind wander freely with hypotheses as he picks at his food.</p>
<p>Two hours later, Taeyong appears to have settled into a stupor, resting his head on Jaehyun's stomach while Lethe naps on his lap. Taeil smiles at them fondly, and Doyoung detects no jealously in his eyes.</p>
<p>"Hyung, do you - " Doyoung begins, but stops himself. Taeil looks at him quizzically, and from the corner of his eye Doyoung can see the golden eagle swivel her head in their direction.</p>
<p>"Do you want to go out for a walk?" Doyoung continues lamely, mentally swearing. It's near freezing outside this Christmas, and he hopes silently that Taeil laughs him off.</p>
<p>Instead, Taeil stands up suddenly and announces loudly, "That's a good idea Doyoung! Oi," He nods at Jaehyun and Taeyong, "Wake up, we should go outside to see the Christmas decorations! It's Christmas, we gotta live in the moment!"</p>
<p>Jaehyun groans, and Casimir yawns. Doyoung feels the same way, but to his dismay, Taeyong and Lethe get up, and Stavra is already swooping out of the door.</p>
<p>Taeil's face brightens, and to Doyoung's astonishment, the other exclaims "Stavra says it's stopped snowing and it's beautiful outside."</p>
<p><em>Of course.</em> Taeil is a witch, but Doyoung forgets this sometimes because Stavra is always around.</p>
<p>They bundle up and make their way out. Outside of Taeyong and Jaehyun's building is a path that leads to a tiny park. There's nothing much to it but trees and benches, but in the amber glow of the streetlight, the twinkling fairy lights strung in the trees and glinting silver snow change the place into someplace almost ethereal. Stavra flies far ahead of them, a small black shadow in the sky, but the remaining dæmons stay close to their humans. Doyoung is so busy drinking in the the splendor of their surroundings that it's too late when he notices that Taeyong and Taeil have wandered off, leaving him and Jaehyun walking awkwardly in silence. Casimir and Anselm lope easily and silently ahead, but Doyoung becomes aware of how loudly he's crunching on the frost and how the cold air bites his cheeks.</p>
<p>Doyoung clears his throat, hoping to get Jaehyun's attention without saying anything, but is still surprised when the other fully stops mid-walk and turns to look at him.</p>
<p>Jaehyun is unreal in the amber light, unfairly beautiful even when his face is pulled into a look of careful apathy. The silence between them is almost tangible, and Doyoung realizes that Jaehyun is waiting for him to say something.</p>
<p>"Um... that was some dinner." Doyoung coughs awkwardly, glad that nobody else is around to witness his embarrassment.</p>
<p>Jaehyun doesn't dignify this with a response but tilts his head back to look at the sky. "It's probably going to snow again soon," He murmurs, probably not entirely for Doyoung's benefit.</p>
<p>"I was going to..." Doyoung tries again, but is still at a loss for words.</p>
<p>Jaehyun raises an eyebrow at him impatiently, and Doyoung withers away on the inside.</p>
<p>"...Forget it."</p>
<p>Jaehyun laughs, and it's a hollow sound that reverberates in the cold air. Ahead of them, neither Casimir nor Anselm appear to be listening in, though Doyoung knows the maned wolf must be aware of Jaehyun's emotions even when they're not focused on each other.</p>
<p>Jaehyun makes a low humming noise, and says, "Well, since Taeil hyung and Taeyong have fucked off, I'm going to head back." He turns around and walks off, and Doyoung is panicking suddenly looking at his retreating back, struck with the idea that this could be the last time he's seeing the beautiful bartender with those dimples and that half-smile and - and those gold-gilded hazel eyes always glinting with mirth and immeasurable, consuming sadness - and - and -</p>
<p>His limbs move without his command, his heart thudding loudly as he reaches forward and grabs Jaehyun's hand.</p>
<p>It is electrifying - the first time either of them is touching each other in sober clarity and despite everything, Doyoung blushes hotly as Jaehyun stops in his path to look at their now linked hands.</p>
<p>One heartbeat, and then "...Yes?" They're close enough that Jaehyun looks down at him with a smirk on his face, but Doyoung has swallowed fire and the heat is fueling him with courage for the moment.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry. For what I said last time, at the bar. I didn't mean - " Jaehyun tilts his head and pulls his hand away, stuffing it into his pocket instead.</p>
<p>"Well - " Courage, <em>courage.</em> "I did mean what I said, some of it. Well, all of it. But - " He can't bear to look at other's face, too anxious to gauge Jaehyun's reaction. "I don't know you. I shouldn't have made assumptions, I'm just... Angry, <em>always</em> angry, with a chip on my shoulder like you said, and I don't talk to anybody regularly enough that I've been called out like that before, and, and - " Deep breaths. Don't panic. Courage, courage. "You came into my life and you're so beautiful and dangerous and I don't know what you want and I don't know what <em>I </em>want and that scares me, and I might have a slight drinking problem and I don't have many friends besides Ten and Taeil and Anselm and - " He's squeezing his eyes shut now. "I'm so broken and you seem so perfect and I hate you but I can't stop thinking about you, and... and..." God, he's close to tears now, he needs to leave, he needs to leave <em>now - </em></p>
<p>Except he can't, because somebody's holding him close, so close, somebody's buried their head into his shoulder and is talking in a low voice, warm breath ticklish against the sensitive skin of his neck.</p>
<p>"Shh... it's okay." Jaehyun's long fingers are combing through Doyoung's hair, and it's good, so good. "Calm down bunny, you're okay. I'm here." His hands, cold and smooth, travel down to cup Doyoung's face, and their foreheads are pressed together, impossibly close. "Cas is bringing Selma over," Eyes, warm but always sad, fringed by long, slightly curling lashes bore into Doyoung's own, and he knows he's safe.</p>
<p>"I forgive you." Jaehyun says simply and quietly. "We can talk more when you're feeling better." Doyoung sags at his words, allowing himself to hold onto Jaehyun (to not let go). Casimir and Anselm are approaching now, and instead of going to Jaehyun, Casimir nudges himself against Doyoung's side in unison with Anselm. Shocked, Doyoung breaks away from Jaehyun to look for any sign of anger or discomfort but finds none. Tentatively, he cards a hand through the maned wolf's fur, taking care to rub his ears as well.</p>
<p>"<em>Oh.</em>"</p>
<p>Doyoung looks back at Jaehyun and is almost blown away by the sheer <em>desire </em>in his eyes, pupils blown wide in lust and eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks.</p>
<p>"Is this okay?" Doyoung whispers, and Jaehyun nods, before slowly crouching down to Anselm's level and carefully, gently, stroking her back.</p>
<p>Casimir and Selma both appear to be quivering in joy, and Doyoung can't get enough of it, drinking in the sight of the three of them <em>together, </em>a mess of intertwined limbs so close that it was difficult to distinguish where one began and ended. <em>So this is what it feels like, </em>he thinks dazedly, remembering the countless books and articles he'd read when he was a teenager about <em>touch. </em></p>
<p>Touching another's dæmon was a strict taboo in polite society unless you were <em>involved. </em>To touch somebody's dæmon, the manifestation of somebody's literal <em>soul, </em>was so intimate and sacred a thing - and that afternoon when Doyoung and Anselm were forcibly parted, when a complete stranger had <em>held </em>Anselm in his grimy hands, all of Doyoung's doctors and nurses assured him that he would never, ever experience love the way the rest of the world did.</p>
<p>And yet.</p>
<p>Doyoung and Anselm cannot hear each other's thoughts the way most can with their dæmons, but seeing Anselm practically purring at Jaehyun's touch and feeling Casimir melt under his own hands fills Doyoung with a surging tide of <em>feeling - </em>a warmth, a glow, an urge to kiss Jaehyun's dimples and hold him close until the end of time -</p>
<p>An approaching Taeyong and Taeil make so much noise that the four of them break out of their reverie.</p>
<p>"Doie! What were you guys up to?" Taeyong looks at them curiously, but thankfully they've let go of each other.</p>
<p>"We were just talking, nosy." Jaehyun flicks Taeyong on the nose and then walks ahead with Casimir at his side. Doyoung is still reeling from the events that just transpired, but he manages a weak laugh and says, "Yeah, we were just talking."</p>
<p>"Hmm?" Neither Taeyong nor Taeil looks particularly convinced, but to his relief, they don't push it. The walk back is quiet but enjoyable, with Taeil and Taeyong alternating between bickering and trying to make Doyoung laugh with Christmas themed puns.</p>
<p>The brightness in him remains.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's 3 am when Doyoung reaches home, exhausted but happy as he collapses on his bed. Anselm is in a similar state, flopping onto her favourite cushion and rolling over lazily.</p>
<p>He's already dozing off when his phone vibrates, but he can't stop himself from smiling when he checks the text.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>hope you got home safely, bunny. merry christmas</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>...cockblocked again skksksks i love pain. i hope the issue about touching other people's daemons is sufficiently developed here bc it's hard striking a balance between adding worldbuilding details and not making it hamfisted and boring. if u have any questions leave a comment or message me on twitter @aurorachaang &lt;3</p>
<p>i know jaedo's relationship is progressing at snail pace but im trying to keep things as realistic as possible despite the fantasy setting. they are both very broken people in this fic, and my aim is to explore how a healthy relationship between two people who are also still learning to love themselves can develop over time. expect a lot more introspection and Eureka moments in the future hehe :D</p>
<p>according to my estimates we r halfway through this fic!?? damn</p>
<p>to everybody who's actually reading this and commenting, i love u all thank u :') u are all such huge inspirations and make writing worthwhile</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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